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Quieting the “Shoulds”: An IFS Approach to Authentic Living

As a disclaimer, EnvisionCo Blog is reader-supported. Some links on this site are for additional informational purposes whereas some others are affiliate links (don't worry, these will be clearly marked as such). When you click through an affiliate link on our site and sign-up for a service or finalize a purchase, we may earn affiliate commissions. This of course is at no additional cost to you. Additionally, EnvisionCo Blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is in no way intended to be a substitute for financial advice by a registered certified financial planner, medical advice by a qualified physician, or therapy by a trained mental health professional.


Over the years, there have been so many times in my life where I found myself committing to an event I absolutely dreaded. And yes it was dread because there was nothing about the process, no part of me that felt excited in the least. A part of me was already exhausted by the mere thought of it. Moments like these are a stark reminder of how easily we can get blended with parts that prioritize external expectations over our authentic desires. We shape our lives around what we think others want, often losing touch with the wise, clear voice of our Self.


As you may or may not know I am an IFS practitioner. It is through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), I have been enabled and empowered to understand my patterns not as personal flaws, but as the well-intentioned efforts of my inner protectors. These parts learned long ago that complying with external demands was a way to stay safe, loved, or accepted. But when I allow my protectors take the lead, they inadvertently push my true Self and its desires into the background. Once I became empowered with this knowledge, I have made it my mission to bring it to coaching and therapy client alike.


So back to the opening. When is the last time you found yourself committing to an event, club, activity that you really did not feel connected to but felt obligated to because of how it would look to others if you did not do so? Let's explore five clear signs that you might be living according to other people's expectations instead of your own, and how recognizing your inner team can help you reclaim your authentic path.



When Your Inner Pleaser Drives the Bus

When your primary measure of success becomes how happy you’ve made everyone else, it's often a Manager part, perhaps "The Pleaser," or "The Good One," working overtime. This part believes that pleasing others guarantees safety and acceptance.

This shows up everywhere, especially in professional settings. You might find yourself volunteering for every project, staying late to help colleagues, or agreeing to unrealistic deadlines just to avoid disappointing your boss. I learned this the hard way early in my behavioral health career. I got my start working at a residential facility for at risk youth, where I ran a team of 8 girls. Under different circumstances, this would not seem so much like a huge deal. Afterall, teachers are required to manage classrooms of 30 plus students right? Yet these circumstances were slightly different. These youth were placed at this residential facility because based off their histories and documented behaviors, they needed a higher level of care. Because of their histories and documented behaviors, a group could have 2 or 3 that had youth that needed close observation and supervision. Which is why guidelines were in place that a six or more youth required a team of two staff members. Often times, I would end up working this team alone for 16 hours with very little assistance or breaks. I did not make a fuss. Why? Because a part of me wanted the Director of Programs to see me as the capable group staff member who could handle my team. Instead, I became overwhelmed and dare I admit resentful that I was so often placed alone.


People pleasing doesn't just show up in our professional lives. It can also show up with family, love interests, and friend groups. From an IFS perspective, my Manager was trying to protect a vulnerable Exile that feared being seen as incapable. Its intention is good, but its strategy led to self-abandonment. Success isn't about making everyone happy; it's about doing work that truly resonates with Self and doing it well. When a Pleaser part constantly prioritizes others’ approval, you end up neither truly successful nor genuinely satisfied. For me it was the latter. I was successful and capable but I wasn't truly satisfied.



The Fear of Abandonment Held by a Young Part

  • "If I say no, they'll be mad."

  • "I don't want to make waves."

  • "I can't let them down."

  • "I need to make sure everyone is happy."

  • "I just want them to like me."

  • "If they reject me, I’ll be alone."

  • "I'm so overwhelmed, but I can't back out now."

  • "I hope they appreciate this."


This powerful logic is often held by a young, exiled part carrying deep wounds of abandonment or insecurity. A Firefighter part might then jump in with frantic compliance to prevent this feared outcome.

Psychology Today explains "For many, pleasing others was a learned behavior. Maybe you grew up avoiding arguments between your parents, or maybe being agreeable earned you acceptance in a challenging environment. While people-pleasing might have helped you cope in the short term, over time, it can leave you feeling resentful, trapped, and disconnected from both yourself and others." What I've discovered is that the relationships that require constant compliance aren’t the relationships truly worth keeping. Real connection happens when people choose to be with you because of who you are, not what your Firefighter does for them.


I remember a relationship during my late teens, early twenties where a Scared Child part in me felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. I’d change my plans, agree with opinions I disagreed with, and never voiced my own needs because this part was terrified I’d be "too much" and abandoned. The irony is that by trying so hard to prevent abandonment, I abandoned my Self. When that relationship eventually ended anyway, I realized that authentic relationships can handle disagreement, boundaries, and you having your own opinions.


When your Self is in the lead, it knows that genuine connection is rooted in authenticity. Trust me, the people who truly matter will stick around when you start being real with them.



Avoiding Conflict: When a Peacekeeper Part Takes Over

Some call it “idiot compassion,” that instinct to avoid conflict and give others what they want so we don’t have to watch them struggle. In IFS terms, this is often a Manager part taking on the role of the “Peacekeeper” or “Harmonizer,” working hard to protect a more vulnerable Exile from the emotional waves that conflict might stir up.

But this isn’t genuine kindness; it’s self-abandonment dressed up as harmony. When the Peacekeeper habitually sidesteps hard conversations to maintain external calm, it sends the message that your needs are secondary. Over time, this builds connections based more on appeasement than authenticity. The truth is, real relationships can withstand, and even deepen through, honest dialogue, especially when it comes from Self. When Self leads, it brings courageous clarity, offering compassion with boundaries. It knows that sometimes, the kindest thing we can do is speak the truth… even when it’s uncomfortable.



Your Decisions Are Dictated by Others' Values, Not Your Self's

This dynamic can be deceptively subtle. A Manager part may become so skilled at monitoring external cues (i.e. parents’ approval, peers’ admiration, society’s markers of success) that we forget to pause and check in with our own true desires. You might find yourself pursuing a career that earns praise but feels hollow, styling your home to match someone else’s taste, or spending money on things that impress others rather than bring you real joy. It’s worth asking: "If no one else’s opinion mattered, what would your Self choose?"


Centuries ago, Shakespeare captured this very human dilemma when he wrote, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts." We do play parts, many of them. And in IFS, recognizing those roles is the beginning of healing. It's how we start to unblend.

Untangling your authentic preferences from inherited expectations doesn’t happen overnight. But it begins with small acts of awareness. The next time you face a decision, try pausing. Gently ask your inner team to step back for a moment, and then ask your Self, "What do I actually want? " Not what’s expected. Not what looks good. What feels true?



Feeling Emotionally Drained or Burnt Out: Your System is Calling for Self-Leadership

Living to meet others’ expectations is quietly exhausting. Instead of simply being, you’re always performing or shaping yourself to fit into roles, meet standards, and avoid disapproval. When your protective parts work overtime to chase approval or prevent discomfort, they often override the natural needs and rhythms of your Self. The result? Burnout in disguise. It doesn’t happen all at once; it builds slowly, masked by busyness and the illusion of productivity. Over time, you may forget what it feels like to move through the world with ease, guided by your own inner compass.


You might notice it showing up as:

Feeling drained, even after a full night’s sleep

Losing interest in things that once lit you up

Resentment creeping in around commitments you’ve made

Difficulty making decisions because your true preferences feel unclear

Anxiety around disappointing others or not meeting expectations

If this sounds familiar, it’s not just in your head, your system is speaking. This kind of chronic depletion is a sign that your inner world is out of balance, with parts carrying heavy burdens and not enough Self-energy available to support them. Breaking free from this pattern isn’t about becoming cold or self-centered. It’s about cultivating the awareness to tell the difference between genuine care and self-abandonment. You can care deeply about others without making their feelings your job. You can be kind without always complying. You can stay connected to others without disconnecting from yourself.



The path back to living by your own inner truth begins with small, courageous moments of Self-honesty. It’s in those split seconds when a part is ready to say yes—even though your Self quietly says no. It’s in catching the reflexive thought: “But what will they think?”—and gently turning inward instead. Start by asking your Self what you truly want, before considering what others expect of you. This isn’t an overnight transformation—it’s a steady, ongoing practice of Self-leadership. And with every choice you make in favor of authenticity over approval, you deepen your connection to your Self and begin crafting a life that feels like it’s truly yours. And as I always encourage, remember that wherever you are on this wellness journey, do not worry about getting it perfect; just get it going. Until next time. Happy reading!


Ready to Map Your Inner World and Reclaim Your Abundance?

If you're ready to stop living by other people's rules and start embracing the abundant life of your dreams, Internal Family Systems (IFS) Self-Leadership Coaching can illuminate the way.

In our sessions, we'll embark on a compassionate journey to:

  • Map Your Inner Team: Identify the protective parts holding you back, understand their positive intentions, and appreciate their efforts.

  • Access Your Self-Energy: Learn to recognize the inherent wisdom, calm, and clarity of your Self, and cultivate its presence in your daily life.

  • Harmonize Your Inner World: Discover how to bring more collaboration and balance to your inner parts, allowing your Self to lead with confidence and compassion.

Click here to schedule your IFS Self-Leadership Coaching session and take the first step towards unblending from old patterns and living a life truly guided by your authentic Self.



“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” ~Brené Brown

Here at EnvisionCo Blog, we try to keep ads to a minimum making our blog entirely reader-supported. We may feature links on this site for additional informational purposes. From time to time, we may feature other links which are affiliate links (and these will be clearly marked). When you click through an affiliate link on our site and sign up for a service or finalize a purchase, we may earn affiliate commissions. This is of course at no additional cost to you. However, if you like what you see and would like to make a donation to help us keep ads to a minimum, we would greatly appreciate it! Nothing fancy. We accept the price of a cup coffee with as much gratitude as we would the price of a tank of gas!


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