Are You a Walking Red Flag? What Your Reactions Reveal About You
- Letecia Griffin
- 7 days ago
- 5 min read
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Ever scrolled through TikTok and caught one of Dustin Poynter's viral "red flag/green flag" videos, nodding along as he hilariously (and often accurately) points out relationship behaviors? While those clips are great for a laugh, they also hit on something profoundly true: how we show up in our relationships reveals a lot about us. Beyond the likes and shares, what if we applied that "red flag/green flag" lens to ourselves, especially when it comes to those tricky moments of conflict, apologies, and boundaries? In this article, we're diving deep into these three crucial areas, inviting you to observe your own patterns and discover what your everyday interactions are truly saying about your emotional landscape.
How Do You Handle Conflict?
Those moments when you and another person aren't seeing eye to eye does much to reveal your deeper emotional patterns that may be impacting the quality of your relationships. With my coaching and therapy clients, we talk a lot about parts work. We all have a system of parts in us that work to help us but at times can lead us astray. This reality is made blatantly real when it comes to how we handle conflicts. Conflicts often reveal the parts of us that feel unsafe, and as can be expected is where our red flags show up the loudest.
Disagreements with others, whether friend or foe, threaten our sense of safety, acceptance, and control. It only takes a brief moment before our unresolved emotions bubble to the surface. These deeper emotional wounds activate our defense mechanisms (i.e. shutting down, lashing out, or deflecting). Often times, we are unaware of, during times of conflict, how these wounds might be affecting other people and our relationship with them. Whether we are withdrawing and shutting down, or yelling, blaming, or escalating the issue, these tactics leave us devoid of the relationship satisfaction we deeply yearn for. When is the last time you observed your pattern of handling conflict? Would you red flag it or green flag it?
How Do You Apologize?
Does your apology include a but? Is the goal or intention behind your apology to seek relief from the guilt or shame you are feeling? Or is the goal to repair or reconcile? Where is that apology coming from? This is not an indictment. It is an invitation to explore the internal system behind your apology. Often, multiple parts are at play: one that wants to protect you from feeling wrong, another that longs to make things right, and perhaps even one that struggles with vulnerability. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe you have more to learn. Maybe there is more to the other person and their situation than meets the eye. Your apology pattern offers a window into your emotional system, revealing the presence (or absence) of humility, empathy, and your capacity to tolerate being imperfect. When our protector parts step in to shield us from shame, they can unintentionally block true repair and deeper connection. By observing which parts take the lead when you're apologizing, you can begin to understand your emotional habits and gently shift toward more authentic, healing responses. Apologies aren't just words, they're reflections of how we relate to ourselves and to those we care about most. When is the last time you observed your pattern of apologizing? Would you red flag it or green flag it?
How Do You React To Boundaries Set By Others?
Here at EnvisionCo Blog, we've talked a lot about setting your own personal boundaries. They're essential for healthy, emotionally safe relationships and help us feel good about standing up for ourselves. But for many of us, there are parts that find it challenging to set or maintain those boundaries. These might be parts that fear conflict, worry about rejection, or carry beliefs that prioritizing ourselves is selfish. When we struggle with our own limits, it often makes it even harder to recognize and respect the boundaries others set. The real risk here is that we might unknowingly engage in behaviors that damage trust and emotional safety in our relationships. When these parts are active, it can also be difficult to respect boundaries set by others. In those moments, protective parts may react—feeling rejected, trying to regain control, or withdrawing altogether. These responses aren’t random; they often reveal deeper vulnerabilities or unmet needs within our system. By getting curious about the parts that get stirred up when someone says “no” or asks for space, we open the door to greater self-awareness and healing. Rather than shaming ourselves, we can recognize these reactions as signals from within, parts trying to protect us in ways that may no longer serve us or our relationships. When is the last time you observed your response to other's boundaries? Would you red flag it or green flag it?
So, as you reflect on your patterns around conflict, apologies, and boundaries, what flags are you noticing? Remember, this isn't about judgment, but an invitation for curious self-awareness on a lifelong journey. Each "red flag" you identify is simply a signal to understand a deeper emotional habit or an unmet need, perhaps even revealing where protective parts of you are influencing your actions. By consciously working to shift those red flags to green, you're not just improving individual interactions; you're actively building a foundation for deeper trust, greater emotional safety, and more fulfilling connections in all your relationships. Embrace this exploration with compassion, knowing that every moment you choose to observe, to learn, and to lean into vulnerability, you're strengthening the relationship you have with others, and most importantly, with yourself. And please remember that wherever you are on this wellness journey, do not worry about getting it perfect; just get it going. Until next time. Happy reading!
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"If you avoid the red flags because you don't want to be alone, you'll end up lonelier in the relationship than you ever were by yourself." ~Sylvester McNutt III
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